It’s Official: Torture IS an American Value

I’m awfully glad this has been clarified and we no longer have to ponder the rightness or wrongness of such activity. As a teacher, I’m always looking for new ways to motivate my students, and ten months in a Syrian dungeon ought to do the trick. Of course, some of my students might prefer that to nine months of my lectures and homework. But could they live without MTV?

I digress. I was rather surprised to hear of this Arar fellow being shipped off from New York to a Syrian dungeon where he was tortured into admitting he regularly had tea with Osama and even helped him carry his dialysis machine through mountains of Pakistan—and all on the flimsiest of evidence that he had any connection to terrorism (well, he is Muslim—isn’t that evidence enough?) and no evidence whatever of connection to al-Qaeda. No, I’m not surprised that our government would ship an innocent man off to be tortured baselessly, but that such a mistake would ever see the light of day. One expects at least minimal competence from one’s government—if a mistake’s on paper, you shred it; if it’s a person, you make it look like an accident.

Attorney General Gonzalez—you know, W’s numero uno Latino—claims the U.S. merely deported a foreign national suspected of terrorist ties and that they were assured that Mr. Arar would be treated humanely in the land of his birth. Interestingly, the big red maple leaf on Mr. Arar’s passport failed to tip off U.S. authorities to the fact that Mr. Arar was also a citizen of Canada. So when deciding which country to deport Arar to—a cheap short flight to Canada or a long expensive flight to Syria—they chose Syria because…because…obviously because they thought this guy looked like he needed to get in touch with his roots.

Alberto…G… it’s okay; we already know you’re into the whole torture scene…getting hot over the idea of being roughed up and powerless, or maybe hot over the idea of roughing up someone who’s powerless—we get it. The S&M thing—hey, whatever raises the flag to full mast. However, you don’t have to play dumb and look like a jackass on national television. If the American people thought torturing innocent men was wrong or unchristian, then there’d be a mass outcry for justice and an end to you and your boss’s tactics. There wasn’t and, sadly, won’t be; so buck up, little guy—you no longer have to hide your alternative sexual desires in the closet; take that little light of yours out from under the bushel and let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. Proudly proclaim to the world that you favor torture, that your boss favors torture, and that the American people favor torture for it is truly an American value.